Resolve: The Best Way to Solve Your Problems

IMG_1621What’s the best way to solve your problems? If you’ve tried to ignore, deny, minimize, discount or avoid them, perhaps it’s time to dig in and approach them with resolve.

Recently a friend told me that’s just what he is going to do. He said (a little bit sheepishly), that approaching his problems with resolve sounded kind of old fashioned… Huh? Well, I thought, what exactly is “resolve?” I pondered a while, and then looked it up, and here’s what I found:

resolve | ri’zälv, -‘zôlv |

verb

1 [with obj.] settle or find a solution to (a problem, dispute, or contentious matter).

  • [no obj.] (of a symptom or condition) disperse, subside, or heal.

2 [no obj.] decide firmly on a course of action.

noun 

firm determination to do something.

ORIGIN late Middle English (in the senses ‘dissolve, disintegrate’ and ‘solve (a problem)’: from Latin resolvere, from re- (expressing intensive force) + solvere ‘loosen.’

Okay, so… if you are determined to do something, and decide firmly on a course of action, and you find (and carry out) a solution, why is that considered old fashioned? And if it is, what about the other attributes that are probably necessary in a situation where approaching with resolve is the best idea… You may need to call upon other “old fashioned” (or are they timeless?) values such as patience, perseverance, tolerance and self-discipline.

I was raised in Pittsburgh, and taught the way to solve many problems is to simply roll up your sleeves and apply some “elbow grease” and, if needed, “shoe leather” to the situation. That’s right, just get in there and do what it takes to address your problems. What if, when it boils right down to it, the best way to solve your problems is by simply taking them on and sorting them out, bit by bit. After all, what’s the best way to eat an elephant? One bite at a time — and perhaps with a bit of resolve!!

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Why Do We Lie?

Screen Shot 2013-10-10 at 10.45.01 AMWhy do we lie?
 
Recently I was discussing this question with a client, and a colleague. Why do we lie? (Let’s be honest, we all do. So it’s not IF we lie, it’s WHY, HOW, WHEN, WHERE, AND TO WHOM 🙂
 
Some possible reasons:
 
  • We don’t want to hurt the other person (and by telling the absolutely honest brutal truth, we may).
  • We don’t feel safe to tell the truth (“Yikes! I might get in trouble if I tell them that!”).
  • We don’t even realize we’re lying (Uh oh… Are we even aware of this phenomenon??).
  • We don’t know the answer to the question, however we don’t want to lose face by admitting that. So we make something up instead.
  • We don’t really want to know the truth — because it may be too much to handle emotionally at the moment.  
  • We may not feel we have the mental where-with-all to wrap our head around the whole thing.
  • We may not feel we have the time to sort out the truth.
  • We haven’t taken the time to discover the truth about ourselves, the other person, or the situation.
  • It’s easier.
Question: Next time you are painted into a corner and fabricate an inaccurate response, ask yourself: Why did I lie? 
 
I guess the deeper bit of this question is are we developing deep meaningful relationships with others — the kind that require authenticity and honesty? If we opt for the quick lie, rather than address the tougher challenge of sorting it all out and arriving at the honest doggone truth, maybe not….
 
Dear Readers, If you enjoy my point of view, please check out my just released book, The Wilde Woman’s Guide to Organizing in Five Simple Steps: Using Mindfulness to Change Your Habits or tell a friend about it! Thanks!!
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Successful Relationships May End…

IMG_0253How do you define a successful relationship? Is it simply the fact that it is currently standing the test of time? Is it possible that a relationship can end and still be a success? In fact, that’s exactly how my ex-husband and I describe our five years together, as a success.

“What?!” you say! It’s an outrage to play with this concept in this way.

Really? Why not reverse the ways we’ve learned to perceive and process our world? After all, we’ve learned that life leads to heartache, depression and suffering. Why not consider things from a new perspective?

I coach people to reorganize their lives and move through tough transitions. I challenge them to play with the concepts they’ve learned — especially if their way of looking at the world doesn’t serve them well.

So, I ask you: Can you look at a relationship you went through and count the many ways you learned and grew and came out on the other side much better for it, even though it was sometimes very painful and finally ended? I propose that we actually learn more from difficult situations than easy ones. And perhaps no matter how painful, or how it ends, it’s actually a blessing (I realize this is challenging to accept).

The challenges we face teach us about life. It’s easy to be nice and patient and kind when everything is going your way. However, it is when you’re tested that you will need to apply patience, tolerance, and forgiveness.

Acceptance is a tall order; however it’s a most profound experience. When you accept all that happens, you can more readily define all relationships as successful in some way.

Dear Readers, If you enjoy my point of view, please check out my just released book, The Wilde Woman’s Guide to Organizing in Five Simple Steps: Using Mindfulness to Change Your Habits or tell a friend about it! Thanks!!

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The First Step in Organizing Mindfully is to…

Screen Shot 2012-10-07 at 2.54.34 PMThe first step in organizing mindfully is to connect your heart with your head. Step One: Let go. Simplify. Reduce the Flow in.

Ask yourself:

  • Why am I keeping this item?
  • Am I ready to let go?
  • Do I really need this?
  • Will I actually use it?
  • Do I still want to own this item — whether I actually need it or will use it — or do I feel obligated?

After you’ve answered those questions, ask yourself:

  • Do I love this?
  • Is this item relevant in my life, today, or does it represent a past version of me?
  • Does this item still feel good to me?
  • Could someone else use or enjoy this more than me?
  • Can I give myself permission to let go?

Organizing will probably fail if it only addresses the symptoms of the disorganization and doesn’t get to the root causes. It’s like mowing the dandelions from your yard; they’ll grow back. To make effective and lasting changes, you need to pull them out by the roots. In the same way, your physical surroundings are a reflection of your mental and emotional processes. 

When you’re ready, ask yourself:

  • Am I having trouble letting go because I’m carrying a resentment, guilt, grief or shame?
  • Do I need to mourn the loss of something?
  • Is there someone to whom I need to make amends or with whom I need to speak?
  • How do I want to feel?
  • How do I create that feeling for myself?

Television is a wonderful tool, and can have positive and negative effects. Programs about organizing may be helpful to you, or they may be misleading because they make it look like you wave a magic wand and everything around you is organized in an afternoon. It isn’t. Be kind to yourself. 

If you like my point of view, please check out my just released book: The Wilde Woman’s Guide to Organizing in Five Simple Steps: Using Mindfulness to Change Your Habits.

Posted in Awareness/Mindfulness, Change, Empower, Habit Change, Organizing, Organizing Guidelines, Personal Growth, Psychology of Organizing | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dating in Mid-Life: Red Flags or Opportunities for Growth?

IMG_0252If you’re dating in mid-life, you may notice that it’s a very different experience than dating when you were a teenager or young adult. The game has changed. At mid-life, many folks become more discerning (and more cynical) as they enter the dating scene, and ask themselves, “Is this a red flag or an opportunity for growth?” 

I wrote a blog post last month on this subject, and said that dating in mid-life is like getting a dog from animal rescue versus one from a new born litter. The creature comes with baggage — and so do you.

The person you’re dating may see your inconsistencies and call you on them. It can be very confronting. Is conflict a red flag, or an opportunity to learn to negotiate? Is anger a signal that something’s amiss, or an opportunity to practice tolerance and patience? Are mistakes remembered and thrown back in revenge, or used as opportunities to understand, learn and forgive? Do you judge harshly, or take the opportunity to look at how your own behavior may in some ways be similar to those you criticize? Can you take responsibility for your actions, or do you play victim and simply blame the other? Are you set in your ways, or willing to adapt, adjust, and grow? 

When you’re younger, you haven’t yet set your ideas and opinions into stone. You’re willing to try out new things and change. You’re open to new friendships, jobs, activities, hair styles and clothes. But somewhere along the way, you get settled into habits (even if they’re ones that don’t serve you) and you may become unwilling to change. 

As you date in mid-life and experience challenging circumstances, ask yourself if you can expand your ability to accept and grow. 

Dear Readers, If you enjoy my point of view, please check out my just released book, The Wilde Woman’s Guide to Organizing in Five Simple Steps: Using Mindfulness to Change Your Habits.

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New Year’s Resolutions that Really Work: “Whatever You Resist, Persists.”

smart frogI went to a training and learned the simple yet powerful phrase, “Whatever you resist, persists.” That training was thirty years ago, yet the idea and understanding in that pithy phrase never left me. I have thought of it many times and it has helped me greatly. In my last blog post: “New Year’s Resolutions that Really Work: How do you do a don’t?” I talked about positive, proactive solutions you can engage in to modify troubling behaviors. Instead of focusing on what you don’t want to do in your life, you generate ideas around what you do want to do instead.

When I learned “What you resist persists,” I began to observe the behaviors in myself that I wanted to change, rather than judge those behaviors negatively and try to control them. I began to consciously engage in the behaviors and “wear them out” rather than try to “give them up.” This requires a very different mindset. I did this by watching myself decide to do something, then really paying attention to what that experience was like, and then tuning into how I felt afterward.

Rather than beating myself up when I made choices that didn’t reflect or support my overall goals, I learned to ask myself gently, “What need did that behavior meet?” (and as things evolved and I was more proactive in changing my behaviors, “What need will this behavior meet?”), and, “What is another way I can meet that need in a way which doesn’t result in me feeling anxious, or guilty, or angry — or in despair that things will never change?”

In that way I was able to free myself from “addictive” behaviors. 

Jiddu Krishnamurti summarized it nicely with this phrase, “The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.” This is how to make New Year’s resolutions that really work.

Posted in Awareness/Mindfulness, Being Positive, Compassionate Communication, Empower, Habit Change, Personal Growth, Psychology | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment