Generally speaking, on some level, you will do what was done to you.
Until you have actively and consciously healed old wounds to your psyche, you will inflict onto others what you experienced as a child. Most often, you’re not aware of these wounds, and you’re puzzled (and often ashamed) by your behaviors.
Here’s an example: If one of your wounds is that you were abandoned when you were a child, you will pull people in, get close to them, and then abandon them. It’s the child in you saying, “See what was done to me?” It’s a way you meet your need to be understood.
Right now you’re thinking, “I wouldn’t do that.” Well, that might be because you came from a home where you were loved and cherished, so, you love and cherish others. I stand by my view, nonetheless: You will do what was done to you.
It may seem too painful to look at your past, so you ignore it, bury it, or try to outrun it. The problem is that these strategies prolong the pain, they don’t heal the wounds. It’s like continually raking up leaves when what you need to do is get into the roots of that tree.
So, if you’re not happy with your current behavior, what’s the solution?
First, you’ve got to pull off the bandaids and have a good look at the wounds. Clean them out well, then let them heal. You might need to cry. If that’s the case, give yourself time for the clouds to gather and swell, and find some time and space to safely let the cloudburst happen. It won’t be that bad when it happens, and it’ll be a relief when it’s over: The clouds will clear and the sun will shine.